It’s been bloody ages since I last wrote. When Baby Side-Mullet (we need a new nickname. Fringed Toddler?) was 9 months old, she napped a bunch of times a day, and I was on Maternity leave. I’m one of those irritating people who needs to have “achieved” something duting the day, and the blog posts were perfect. I got to rant, and I also got to feel smug about having done something – anything- for myself that day.
In 2017 the smugness stopped. I went back to work, and wife took over full time kid care. Also, the naps decreased, and the parenting game definitely increased. Work.. toddler.. sleep.. wife.. toddler.. work.. there was enough going on to erase the energy I had had pent up to write my little blog. I forgot about it.
Today a woman reached out to me via this blog (sorry, trite American phrase) – someone who had read my words got in touch. I never really thought anyone was reading it, and although I may be of limited use to her in her uphill battle through the FtA minefield, I can definitely be a hand to hold. I’m glad if my experience of adoption on here has reassured or shed light for any one single person.
Whilst it was on my mind I thought maybe I should write a little more. My last post referenced funnelling. Our parenting ceased having technical labels once we really got stuck in – but it definitely raised a few eyebrows along the way. We didn’t let anyone babysit for about six months. When we did, we put the baby to sleep and then handed over the monitor for a few hours. We didn’t let anyone who wasn’t us put her to bed until March last year. And only then because we were both super fangirling over the cast of The Bridge being in London and we couldn’t decide who had to stay home with the baby. In the end her godmother had her from 3pm until midnight, did dinner and bedtime with her, and they were both totally unscathed. It hasn’t happened again though – not because anything went wrong, just because our priorities revolve entirely round stability for the kid. I have siblings who want to take her out for the day, and I have said no. They have – recently -had her for a couple of hours without us there, but nothing more than that.
At no time since July 2015 when this kid arrived have we put her to bed late. At. No. Time. That’s unimaginable. Even looking back on it I am amazed. I am aware that lots of parents take their kids to evening parties or dinners or fireworks or wedding receptions. One day, when she’s 5 or 6 or 18, we will do this too. But our goal was stability. It seems to have worked. She goes to bed with a fifteen minute routine, lies silently snuggling for five minutes and then sleeps until 7am. She has done this for well over a year. The loss of our social life is starting to feel worth it.
She started nursery for two sessions a week when she was 2. Each session is two hours long and it is a small counrtyside nursery which has many of the same staff as it did when I went there many moons ago. For many reasons – which I will get into at some point – we started her there to give my wife a small break in the weekly routine. She’s been there a year and she hasn’t upped her attendance times – but she does absolutely love it. The first month was very hard – mostly for us as parents – but now to watch her clap her hands with pleasure as we approach the nursery is amazing. Wife treid to schedule any appointments or haircuts or coffee meet ups she wants to go to solo during these times. The rest of the time, toddler is with her. They’ve developed the same mannerisms and head tilts. They’re like mummy duck and a duckling. It’s cute.
Which is all to say: we prioritised attachment and stability to get to this point. We have zero issues with attachment now. We have many people who think we are bonkers and overprotective. We no longer care.
You must do what you believe is right – preferably both from researched information AND gut feeling. If that’s not what I believe is right – so what? You do your thing, more power to you. I just wanted to state for the record what worked for us, and what we’ve had to change in our lives to accomodate it.
becoming mums 